..bittersweet emotion

contagious..

i am contagious..

aahhh.. it's not a wonderful feeling.. in fact , its the worst feeling.

i'm sad.. obviously.. ive been blogging about how sad i am lately.
someone told me , i am emotional. yes, i am.

guilty.

i am emotional.
i feel a lot of things.
i'm not complaining though, i like to feel it.
life is like ..chalk.. without any feelings in it.

right now, i am just utterly sad..
i wanna go to bed and just lie there.
i dont wanna be with a lot of people, i feel like some sort of virus.
scared that if i am with normal happy people i might contaminate them with my virus.
virus=sadness.

aarrgghhh..sucks!

my heart is in ICU right now.
closely monitored , after being severely hit..crashed..and then broken!
hahahahhaa..funny! i am finding humor in this.

i dont also want to go out and drink and get drunk.. naahh.. that's too happy and too.. i dunno..
for now..yes, i must admit , i am pathetic.
i am wallowing .
i am feeling stupid.
i am sulking.
i am crying.
i am sad. super sad.

my heart is going through a lot.. but on the better side, my mind is still fine.
don't get me wrong , i am sad right now..but i am not wanting to die
nor wasting myself away. nor messing the life of the one who hurt me.
no.

i am sad. i know i am. it hurts. it sucks.
depressed . hurt and wounded.

but, i'm thinking .. in the 365 and 1/4 days in a year..how many days can i count that I have been sad.. ? can't remember how many ..
this is one of those days.. but its not all the 365 days..

i am emotional. and i will feel this sadness..
so that by the time I will be happy again, I will remember to treasure every minute of it.
ironically, i'm learning a lesson now..
a lesson in HUMILITY.

humble enough to accept the things I cant change and things I cant have....
Lord, give me strength to go on..
I know you are there, thank you..

now, another realization hit me.

the truest smile and happiness, comes from the survival of the most painful experience..


amen.