..bittersweet emotion

contagious..

i am contagious..

aahhh.. it's not a wonderful feeling.. in fact , its the worst feeling.

i'm sad.. obviously.. ive been blogging about how sad i am lately.
someone told me , i am emotional. yes, i am.

guilty.

i am emotional.
i feel a lot of things.
i'm not complaining though, i like to feel it.
life is like ..chalk.. without any feelings in it.

right now, i am just utterly sad..
i wanna go to bed and just lie there.
i dont wanna be with a lot of people, i feel like some sort of virus.
scared that if i am with normal happy people i might contaminate them with my virus.
virus=sadness.

aarrgghhh..sucks!

my heart is in ICU right now.
closely monitored , after being severely hit..crashed..and then broken!
hahahahhaa..funny! i am finding humor in this.

i dont also want to go out and drink and get drunk.. naahh.. that's too happy and too.. i dunno..
for now..yes, i must admit , i am pathetic.
i am wallowing .
i am feeling stupid.
i am sulking.
i am crying.
i am sad. super sad.

my heart is going through a lot.. but on the better side, my mind is still fine.
don't get me wrong , i am sad right now..but i am not wanting to die
nor wasting myself away. nor messing the life of the one who hurt me.
no.

i am sad. i know i am. it hurts. it sucks.
depressed . hurt and wounded.

but, i'm thinking .. in the 365 and 1/4 days in a year..how many days can i count that I have been sad.. ? can't remember how many ..
this is one of those days.. but its not all the 365 days..

i am emotional. and i will feel this sadness..
so that by the time I will be happy again, I will remember to treasure every minute of it.
ironically, i'm learning a lesson now..
a lesson in HUMILITY.

humble enough to accept the things I cant change and things I cant have....
Lord, give me strength to go on..
I know you are there, thank you..

now, another realization hit me.

the truest smile and happiness, comes from the survival of the most painful experience..


amen.

... another crazy noon.

saturday afternoon..

i feel so lousy.. just been crying the whole day and i dont even feel close to stopping..
it's so real..

ouch!

i cant stop crying.. i ask myself... is this bad?
i answer me.. yes, its this bad..

do u ever get that feeling that its just not right..
that you dont know what to do.., but do you really DONT know what to do?
or you just dont want to do it?

people keep on saying that it's ok.. i know that its gonna be ok..
but how come it just doesnt feel ok...?


people say that Im strong, i can do it..
i can get past this..
yeah, i know.. but at this point.. it just dont feel that much..


today is the present.. tomorrow is gonna be another day..
whatever happened to yesterday? ...lost in time..

screen is blurry.. tears are starting to fall again..
i wish there was a definite answer to the question.. " if you can go back in time, what would you change and why?"
everybody says "nothing, it was all mean to happen.."
was it really?

if it were, why are we sighing and wishing that we could go back to the past.?
why is that question even asked?


i got incubus playing ..

i still cant stop the tears.. i know i should.. but it just wont..
let it fall..


pardon me while i burst into flames..

boo!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

wwoooooohhh... scary times are here..


nahh.. i'm not so fond of Halloween , but I just noticed that everybody is so into this.

well, why not? it's one of those times that you are given time to dress up in scary costumes..
talk about scary stories and... drink a lot!

hahhahhaa.. i'm a kid at heart.. my idea of halloween is simply.. trick or treat!
minus the "trick " part.. it's all the "treat!" "treat!" "treat!"

it's not even close to scary.. it's fun..
I have this very cute memory of us doing trick or treat.. it was the costume, plus all the the candies.. goodies.. chocolates.. and friends laughing.. and friends eating.. aahhh...

ahh.. those were the times..

poof! back to now.. it's halloween.. no more parties for me..
it's time to pay the bills..


hmmm... cant we be kids again..i want ..i want.. to go trick or treat!
i will..i will.. i'll find a way.. hahahahahahaha!


so yeah.. behind the tough act.. i am a kid at heart..

..caught in the now

Sunday morning..

amidst the hustle and bustle of the office life..

another day.. another working day.. another day trying to move on.
another day trying to smile.
another day working to be ok.
another day that i'm missing you.

tomorrow is coming up ahead
tomorrow i will work.. tomorrow i will move on.
tomorrow i will smile.. tomorrow i will be better than today..
tomorrow is gonna be another day.

tomorrow.. yes, tomorrow is gonna be a whole new day..

but today, right now..
amidst the sound and the active rush of everything



today, im here.. full of thoughts of you..

wishing that i was back to yesterday... when i was with you..

..find me

8:54 pm.. night is getting deepr..add a splitting headache >> that's tonight for me.

what could be worse? a splitting headache or this feeling?
a dozen headaches please..
i drank and got drunk.. to drown the feeling away..
i don't like to drink , i have incompatibility issues with beer!
i tried learning how to drink.. waaahh! good luck!
im stuck with a headache..


someone told me i'm emotional..
yes, guilty as charged..

and I AM emotional.. i will keep it that way..
there was a point in my life that I felt nothing and it did not feel good either..

yes, im down.. sad.. broken and lost..
yes, it hurts so bad..
and yes, i cry..am crying ..will cry..
darn! im emotional..its because i feel..

i feel love..i feel happines.. i feel your presence..
i feel you.. i love you..i hate you.. i love you..
i want you.. i look for you.. you make me happy..

yet..

you..did not feel that.
i was nothing.. for you.
i am unimportant.
i was just there.. and that was it..
unimportant..

how does one come to terms with that..?
how do u make opposite ends meet..?
how can u find something that wasnt there..?
and how can it be like that..?


i'm sad..down and depressed..i know i should stand up..
but, i dont wanna pick myself up just yet..


strength, find me..

..reality bites and stings

volume level turned up to max..
song playing --- QUESTION EVERYTHING..


it's like there is an unseen force that knows how to hit you.

questions.. i have a lot of that lately..
lately-- there goes that word again.. lately.

lately..lately..lately..

everything has been surreal.. unreal.. and just real..

i'm biased..i love myself.. and i know im strong.. strong heart, strong character. strong conviction.
but lately... im losing touch.. im looking for exactly just that..--strength..


SURREAL:
i work.. 2 works in fact.. a total of 13 hours..
go out of work..
go home..cant sleep.. stay awake for 2 hours..trying to find answers and not finding it..
id be so thankful if i can sleep for a maximum of 5 hours in a day..

UNREAL:
im fine.. it' all ok.. i go to the office looking all fresh and happy..
i smile..

REAL:
my head is aching..
i want to just stay in bed and ... cry..
i know sounds so drama..
its what i wanna do..
if only time will stop.. i dont want to go to work..
i cant smile for myself.
the pain is so real.. the feeling is so real..
im being reminded of it.. how it feels..
aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
time stop please..


reality check >> my head hurts.. my heart is nowhere to be found.. miss a person badly..

the world will continue and im just a speck in it..

...blame it on marge

thursday night... i should be doing on thing right now--sleep.
but im not , im here.. and im writing this..

hey! who's complaining?!
-- no one! definitely not me.. time does know when to put you in the right place--sometimes !
hahahhaa..

im reading marge's blog.. and im laffing..
this girl is..... in love?! hahahahahahhaa! why not marge?!
you have every right to be.. there is NOTHING wrong with it..
hahhaha..

but seriously, i read through her blogs.. and funny and amazingly this girl.. marge..
she's real.. i can feel her..
her words hit home run!!


aahhhhhhhhhh!! i haechu marge!

i am laughing.. yes i am!
i am crying... yes i am ...
i am crazy... yes, i know..

been feeling crazy lately.. been purely crazy lately..
hahahahaha! i laugh.. there is beauty in laughter ..its light..
but tears come out from my eyes.. there is pain and sadness that im trying to hide..

when will this end..?
crazy ..
i think about it.. ---when did it ever start??