...a NOTE on harshness

i'm harsh. or rather i've become harsh.

I have this mental note to myself 

"Stay away from things that will me feel feelings that will make me vulnerable..and make me remember  those things that will make me remember and those things that will hit me " 

contradict ..ok.
harsh..ok
scold.. ok
scream and walk out...ok
curse.. ok

I've received " a lot of lectures" from friends and people close to me about this.. I know they care and they know that I'm not , I wasn't , like this before. It took years... to get here.

But I guess, it can;t be avoided.. there are really things that hit you right staight in your face.
Due to the rainy season and the slow run of things, I just can't stop myself thinking and feeling lately.

Reading my mental note again.. First 2 words.. stay away". Because it's not that I can't feel , but its because I feel a lot.. that's why I need to stay away.

I'm not a cynic nor a misanthropist..I believe in hope , love and all the beautiful things that go along with it. But I'm not an idealist. I'm being realistic.

Some of the things that REALITY has taught (and saved) me.

Part of reality  that we have to deal with and ACCEPT is that things/people are bound to hurt you and get hurt by you.. It's the rule of life and rule of the universe. 
Ideally , when one gets hurt, the other says sorry and makes up for the pain
Really , it does not happen all the time. It may be less , or worse at times. But you can't expect it to be that way all the time.

Expectations are meant to be broken.. Yes, so does promises, vases and other glasses thrown at each other. Expectations are there for a purpose.. Maybe for job interviews, scope of work, classes and others.
But it shouldn't be used on people. 
When expectations are not met.. what do you call that?! de-expectation?! hahaha
I don't know myself.
Or maybe there isn't really an opposite of expectations because  Webster haven't accepted that expectations may have an opposite..

Finally ACCEPTANCE, 
Mental note to self (again)Acceptance is the key to understanding. Again, it took me years and many tears to finally grasp the meaning of this.
Accept the things you can change and the things you can't change. It's easy to say "it's ok" when things go wrong or people hurt you. But the acceptance part is not.
When you get hurt you cry..When someone breaks your heart you  cry and ask soo many questions (it makes you sound like a questionnaire!) and you wish for the pain to go away.
DON'T. Because it will pro-long the pain ( there is a psychological explanation to this which I dont know , i didnt listen way back in college..but I know there is..hahaha.. ) 
Accept the pain.. and that what was before is not what is now..(yes, that he is not with you anymore) . I don't really care how you do it.. Cry from last week to next week..drink with your pants off.. go sleep with someone else who's not there.. as long as in the end..ACCEPT it.. 
Once you start accepting, then you start understanding..


Stoopp!! Ok, i don;t want sound like a psychologist or a whatever-gist.. What i want to say really is.. I'm not heartless.I have a lof of it.. It;s just that I got only 1 heart (literally and not literally) and i have to take care of it..

Parents tell their children... "stay away from fire" "stay away from dangerous places" "stay away from sharp objects" " don't talk to strangers"

When children turn 22 ..Parents don't tell their children that.. 
Of course, dammit! you're 22 you better take care of yourself..
So , I did and I do.. So I tell myself: 


"Stay away from things that will me feel.. and make me remember and will hit me "