...i say...

a lump in my throat..
a funny feeling in my stomach..

i know what this feeling is..

*sigh*.. im trying to stop it.. *sigh*..
trying.. trying.. trying..


i think im about to cry..

ive never been good at goodbyes..
not for short goodbyes. not for long goodbyes..
im so lousy in these kinds of situations..

im not doing good right now either..

i've lasted in this job for a lot of reasons.
the job, the place, and most of all--the people.

by next week, i'll be moving to a different group.
nothing, really dramatic about it.


but then i have to move out of our team.. nothing happy about that either..


*sigh* yes, im attaching myself to this group and
the people here.
why? because, we've just been through many things.
a lot actually.. here and there..
things.. moments..laughters..smiles..arguments..

from night shift to mid shift..
the talks.. the news.. the "eating" sessions.. hahaha!


i said im never good with goodbyes..
i cant even put into words now

if tears were words , i'm at a loss for it now

this isn't goodbye..

i say,
it's our memories together ,
that i've frozen in time..

...a not-so childish wish..

I live in the Philippines, to make it sound more beautiful, the Pearl of the Orient Sea.

FACT: We only have two seasons here.The DRY season... first half. around summer time.
Next is, WET season, the other half of the year..lots of rains, typhoons, and storms. Usually continues on until Christmas time, until a little after new year.


Okay, done with facts. Im not going to talk about our geography here.So much more, not about the politics in our country.no.
At present, we are still in the middle part of July.. I want to fast-forward this to 5 months from now, that will be December..
hmm..Christmas.. that seaon of sharing and loving.Christmas cards full of pictures with white snow.

snow? what snow?

Reality is, it wont snow here in the Philippines..It might fog up in some areas.but for sure, no snow for us here.

I used to pray for snow to fall in our country..ohh, that was one of my wishes.
It might sound ludicrous now ,but it wasnt then. it was my serious wish.
Wouldn't it be nice to let us, feel what snow is..?
go playing in the snow.and making those snowman..


Even now, i still wish for it, though with less intense, but i still wish for it..
well, why not?! It does sound IMpossible after all..
It may not come true, but , it is something so hopeful..oh yes, it is!

I think that is what is stopping me from becoming an Uncle Scrooge.I may have been slighted by love, but i have not lost hope.

faith..hope..love.. they go together..the greatest of which is love..

I maybe asking for near impossible things, but still, im asking for it.I still believe that there is a Santa out there who grants wishes..

i wish..
for snow to fall,

to catch falling stars,

swim with the mermaids,

for the time to be right,

for him to find his way back,

for tears to become diamond,

for love to last..

It's still gonna be along way to Christmas..

a longer time for me...

who knows, it just might snow this Christmas....

..i've come full cricle.

i logged into my multiply account.. here is one of the blogs i wrote there...

one night.....

what will you do if in the middle of dawn..sleep just won't visit you?
hmmmmm... u probably have a lot of things in mind.. or ..none at all..
well, its ok.. i cant think of any either..

so, i'll just do what i always love doing..
tadadadadadada...!

think.

*yawn*..boorrinngg!
hahahaha! yeah.. it is..
but, it's sooo natural.. i dont even have to think about doing it or not..

well,i went to drew's party earlier(its her 23rd bday) and from age 21 to age 23, she has matured a LOT and i mean -A LOT..(take it from me, who hated her before because of her immaturity and how i love her for what how she has matured .)

sometimes, i still get amazed at how things change..
at how people change, over a span of time..


i AM still amazed at how much I have changed in every aspect of my life now..

maybe it's with the experiences.
maybe it's the people i deal with.
maybe it's the place that i live in now.

maybe, it's me..

that i want it.

that i need it.

ive changed..
the things that ive hated before.. ive come to see and experience it..

before ,i was just looking from the other side of the circle. the upper side at that..
ive looked down and abhored the other side of it--- the lower side.

funny how life play its game on you..

the things along the way---it just cant be avoided.
ive seen the other side and actually have been on the other side.

the things that i hated--i've done,
the things that i CAN'T ever ever thing of doing. i DID it now.

the things i refused to say ive said IT.
the feelings that i though i can never feel ,i've felt.

its funny,
its crazy,
its scary,
its cool,
its unbelievable

but, it's true..

im both proud and aghast at all those things.

not all of i did are bad..not all are good either.
but still, i went through it..all the good and the bad..
i've wondered and discovered myself.
i've loved and hated myslef. i've quarreled and made peace with myself.

i guess now, its safe foe me to say,

i've come full circle..

...on a given sunday..

it's a sunday once again..
i just realized now that unconsciously , sunday has been and is my favorite day.

for me..

anything can happen on a sunday..

i remember, that we had this rule with my bestfriend , drew, that we CAN tell anything and everything on sunday..
for us, sundays are our "honest-say day"

ooh..we simply cant wait for sunday to come.. we'd spend hours talking..and it was soo, light.
imagine the things that we cant talk about on regular days, but on sundays, it simply does not seem so big anymore..all those drama stories..mean stories..our evil deeds are all forgiven on sundays.. we need. to find a way to stay honest with each other..

a.ny.t.h.i.n.g, and , e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g..

from that time on, ive always loved sundays.
it doesn't matter if i have work on sundays , i always try to make it a bit different, to set it apart from the other days..

anything can happen this day...i let my feelings be free today.. unveil my heart's deepest emotions and desires... feel all the drama.. laugh all the laughters..share all the stories..
on this day, i let free the hopeless romantic me.
i believe in fairytales and in happy endings..

i'll take that line from the song "with you" (chris brown)--

....and there's hearts all over the world tonight, said there's hearts all over the world tonight...




yes indeed..

...remembrance of what was..

a faint and low rumbling sound can be heard from the distance..

the sky lights up once in a while..
i think its gonna rain tonight..

i'm wishing,.... it will.

tonight, faint memories are back.. im not referring to "haunting " memories..

not the scary-type of memory.

hahaha! my past is not one out of a horror movie.

memories that i've carefully wrapped in a silk cloth, hidden beneath.

special memories,not wanting to remember it,

but with no desire to totally forget it.

somehow, it holds the remembrance of what was..

i dont allow myself to talk about my past.

i hate to admit it, but, yes, itbrings back emotions that ive tried to keep under.

what part in my past am i trying to "keep under"?

that part where i really and truly cared and when i understood what it is to be unconditional.

yes. it was my love story.

that story that i shared with another person,

that part where i loved another person.

shared my dreams and happiness with him..

shared my tears and laughterwith him..

shared those special moments with him..

everybody thinks that their story is extraordinary.

full of memories to share of tales of love and pain.of shared times.
i had a my share of that time..

those moments that simple joys,the pain and emotional turmoil, that two persons share.

my story, did not involve us being separated by great distances.

nor us being forced to separate by our families.

my story, had its share of laughter and of smiles.

of fights and of moments when anger was the only emotion left.
we had issues, him and me, that we had to overcome. we had a lot of tough times.

our christmases, our birthdays.
sharing just one meal, for we dont have enough money for another. walking home from school,holding hands.talking about everything.

fighting over small to big things.

the dreams we had together..

the pictures we took, the letters we wrote, the promises we made.

inspite of all the heavy and not so good times that we share, i still have it in me.

for in both the good and the bad times, i know that we were both true to ourselves.

now, rain is beginning to pour.

just like the rumbling sound earlier, all of those times were just part of my memories.
i recall them in a vague way, not wanting to put a definite picture to it.

im leaving those times in the past.

the emotions ive learned and the memories, im bringing it with me, with a vague picture..

those times may have gone..

the one that i shared it with, is no longer with me.

things change..people change.i know im crazy.

but i know m my love hasn't.

it has passed through that time, and endured up to now,

i cant say what will happen then.

the future holds its own mystery..

just like this rain, it will continue to pour.

i dont know until when.

but for sure,

it will eventually find the sun....

.... a pleasing chaos

it's the middle of the work week.. technically,just one of the many days in a year. but! i refuse to let this be "just one of those days".
there is no occassion.no special memory associated with the date.maybe its the stubbborn streak in me that refuses to belong in the daily grind.

no no no no..

today, im feeling light..people around me says "im blooming!".
ohh, thank you! --i say. they ask "why?" i answer--" i just wanna feel beautiful"..
no, i dont have a boyfriend.no,i did not get a raise..and no, i did not get a car yet..
hahaha! today,i am feeling beautiful..i'll take that cliche-"love yourself".
im doing that right now.


with all the things going on, i want to take a break today.
let my mind be free. i want to think and talk about the things i like...
you call it narcissism?! well, why not?! it's not a bad thing to do once in a while..


i like things that are beautiful. and when i say beautiful not the one that comes together with the tag price, nor the one that goes together with the six-digit figure.

no, not that.

the classic beauty of a woman. the lines on the face that signifies maturity. the calloused hands of a man ,due to hard labor. the way a branch bends without falling on the ground which
can never be followed by any architecture. the form and flow of beauty, the silhouette, the shadow.. now, that is beauty.


i love chaos.
yes, i do. i love disorder, chaos. in its very meaning.the irregularities, the disrupt of order.the wonder of how something can be solved. the intricacies of the detail, how to arrange it. how to restore it to its previous form. the mystery behind the reason of the disruption, and the willingness to understand it.

yes, to me, chaos can be pleasing.

two very opposite things--beauty and chaos.
yes! i love it.
two opposite aspects, yet one needs the other to fullfill its meaning. it cant have its true sense, without feeling the other.
one must have to give way to the other.

chaos, in doing its meaning, makes the path for a new beginning.
a new start of something else. another form. another beauty in the making...

that is how i describe myself. two opposing forces. yet the two coincide.

i love myself for what i am able to do and for what i can't do.
i hate me , for not doing what im supposed to do and for wanting to understand complications.


yes, i am beautiful.

the very proof of...

a pleasing chaos

my main man..

sunday night is almost ending. 4 hours to go and its gonna be the start of another busy week. just last friday I started my 2-day rest day. ohh, it went by fine nothing eventful..except that when bedtime came and i was in my just surfing the net, when my kid brother barged into my room. hmm..at first, i pretended i did not see him. he feels all grown up (even at 8 years old) and he is not so into the idea od sleeping in my bed anymore.. so he came in, lay down on my bed.1 minute..2 minutes..10..until i can tell that he was getting sleepy..and so,to save his"ego" i got his pillows from the the other room told him to move over so that i can still have some space. hahaha! and he just moved, within seconds he was fast asleep.



*sigh* i was looking at him.watching him sleep. that weird feeling moved inside me again. i know im not his mom. im only his eldest sister..probably his favorite sister.. but with him growing up i can feel what it is to be a "parent".you see, we are very close.. our age gap is 16 years apart.. that's far enough for me to be his "young mom" ..but no, i am just his elder" favorite sister! hahahaha! he has another sister, the one next to me.. they bond in a different way. she was into the more fun stuff.. with me (both of them) its with the serious stuff..like school, sports.values.. oh you know the typical boring stuff.. im even aware that they call me " tiger sister" ! hahaha! im the "fire breathing sister"
sometimes.. most of thetimes im the villain of the story.. hahahaha! but i know they know i love them..
( *teary teary eyes*)

my brother, i am so fond of him.my mom and my dad knows, even my sister is jealous of him. but i cant help it. i take him as my own kid. he is not the "angel" sort of kid. one that does not make mistakes. in fact he is a highly stubborn kid. we fight! oh yes we fight.. but i dont mind it.at a young age. he is a very smart kid already, very independent kid. At age 8, he knows that we, his elder sisters, should be at home already before 9pm. after that he knows we are violating rules again. at age 8, before he sleeps or even when he is asleep already he wakes up to check if our windows are closed and if our doors are bolted already. and at the age 8, he seems to know that , aside from dad, he is the next guy in the family.and that he is responsible for us ladies in the family.. that is at age 8.. that is why, even at his stubborness, i cant stop being proud of him. i expect a lot from him. i wonder if he can feel the pressure.
sometimes i forget that he is still a kid. and that no matter how mature he is , he is just 8 years old..


i call him "kuya" . even at 8 years old.. he has been a "MAN " for me.. more than the other guys i've met..

for that i'm thankful..

thank you , jboy

from the movie 1 Litre of Tears

I watched a Japanese movie this morning , to take a quick break from the routine, before I went to work.. The movie is nice and touching , it’s based from a true story of a girl having an incurable disease . I wont go into the details in the story, but there is a line there that is very striking:

“ ….it is not unlucky, it is just inconvenient.”

BAM! The meaning of the line hit me like a thousand books (hardbound encyclopedias) dropped in front of me. It was sooo a coincidence.. At this time that im thinking of a lot of things, like how is this , why is that…and here I go watching a move to take a break. And I hear this line that answers my questions.. BAM! (get what I mean?) *sigh*


It’s crazy, but its so true. Now that I think of it, im not even sure what really is the meaning of “unlucky”. Well , in the thesaurus language, it is the antonym of lucky.. Hahaha!
Really now ei?! How smart of me.. Ggrrrrrr.!

When things don’t go the way I expect it to ,I feel so out of tune. Unsure. You cant consider that “lucky” right.. It is “unlucky” of me… *sob* *sob*
NO. don’t get me wrong, im not complaining, and im not rejoicing too.. Im still happy and contented with what I have . Im counting my blessings (so they say) and so on…
But admittedly, when things go out of line or when situations take a detour, my mind starts thinking what went wrong.. How did things get so out of order. One thing leads to another. One thought leads to another and before I know it , id be feeling lost.. Again!
It is not my idea, or anyone’s idea of what luck is.. Nor is it convenient.
It is the exact opposite of those two ideas

But I was just hit by a reality this morning , that it isn’t true..

“ ….it is not unlucky, it is just inconvenient.”

..oh holy night time..

After a full 10 hours of being at work, im finally in the comforts of my own room..It has been another long day. No, im not going to blog about my days happenings. But rather i'll close this day feeling something wonderful..

There is something in the "air" tonight that i cant quite put my finger on. Hmm..lemme see..
Maybe it's the cool atmosphere that makes the night more relaxing.. Maybe it's the time that makes the sorroundings look mellow.. It's something i can't describe.. it's almost---holy.

Oh well, i cant really describe it. All i can feel is that , it is something nice.
So nice it makes me want to light up candles in my room , let the scent fill the air..
....makes me want to play some slow songs in the player
.....wear my most comfy jammies and curl up in bed just thinking about fairytales
..... just go outside and look at the sky that resembles a blacklit canopy with holes punched in it

It's just a wonderful feeling.. reminds me of that christmasey feeling ...
Hmmm... i'll do the candle idea..light my vanilla scent...



a wonderful night world..

my dreams will be full of stars and of Santa...

those lives lost in the tragedy..

After some time of not being able to read the newspaper, I was finally able to sit down and take time to read it just about 5 mins. ago while i was taking my break.. hmm.. well, whats in the news today? a lot.... the transport strike that we had yesterday.. there was also this article about the recent victory of "pacman" ..news about hollywood..stock prices..world news.. But what I really wanted to read is about the victims of the recent sea mishap.

I dont want to go into the details of this tragedy, nor do i want to join in the the argument of who is at fault with this tragedy. FACT is : this NOT an accident..it's a tragedy that could have been stopped /avoided/prevented IF the people in charge just took some responsibility in stopping it. Sad to say that those "people in charge" did not have the balls to stop and say NO! to whoever was directed to man the ship. For obvious reason, that they dont wanna be blamed.. so so so so...

Well yeah, this event really got into me because my dad is also a marine engineer and my favorite childhood memories were those spent in the ship, our sea travels. That is why i've always loved the sea,i feel peaceful when i hear the smell and the sound of the sea and the waves.. Back then there were no definite rules about ship travel, way back then it was simply " if you are strong enough, go and face the sea" (hehehe). We were able to experience travelling when there was a storm.Up to now, i can still remember that memory, the sea, the waves, the ship, the feeling, and the FEAR.. one thing: the ship . no matter how big, how huge, how enormous the ship is, it is but a tiny DOT in the middle of the sea. nothing is strong enough to fight the wrath of a raging sea..

On the mainland, i grieve with those families who have lost their loved ones to this tragedy. There is a definite pain in having lost a loved one, but it is also an extreme pain and deep uncertainty as to where they are now, their physical bodies and whether or not they have survived the tragedy. Another memory from the past, the memory of me and my mom staying up all night praying in front of the altar for my dad who is sailing out in the sea in the middle of a very strong typhoon then (ruping). The sound of the heavy rain outside and the howling wind added to our fear. I didnt know if the rising sun was a blessing or a curse, Because it was the moment of truth that we had to face, whether or not my dad survived. Thanks to God, my dad survived. Oh how i remember the worry in my mom's face, the deep faith in God that He will guide my dad.And my own picture of the sea with my dad on that picture..My fear, that i cant voice out, i cant even cry for i have to be strong for both my mom and me.. That memory.. Even up to now, when i am asked to explain what fear is-- i draw my emotion from that memory. I have an idea of the ordeal that they are all going through. But i can not truly understand the depth of what they are feeling. Their loss and their grief. All i can do is pray for all the survivors and those that are lost.. and for their families who are left behind......

God Almighty,

The ever loving and merciful creator. The maker of all things. The beginning and the end of everything.You are our strength and our salvation.

Our society is facing a tragedy that cost a lot of lives. We pray to you, oh Lord, to guide us during this trying times and give us strength that we may be able to bear this kind of loss. We pray for those families who are left behind . Give them strength Lord to be able to accept this painful reality. For the survivors, guide them and give them strength physically and emotionally . Scars may heal and time may pass but the memory of this will last..

I pray Lord that we may all be united in this time of grief and sorrow. Help us help each other in this time and may we be able to pass this trial and face the days ahead of us.

This we ask through Christ our Lord..

Amen