...a NOTE on harshness

i'm harsh. or rather i've become harsh.

I have this mental note to myself 

"Stay away from things that will me feel feelings that will make me vulnerable..and make me remember  those things that will make me remember and those things that will hit me " 

contradict ..ok.
harsh..ok
scold.. ok
scream and walk out...ok
curse.. ok

I've received " a lot of lectures" from friends and people close to me about this.. I know they care and they know that I'm not , I wasn't , like this before. It took years... to get here.

But I guess, it can;t be avoided.. there are really things that hit you right staight in your face.
Due to the rainy season and the slow run of things, I just can't stop myself thinking and feeling lately.

Reading my mental note again.. First 2 words.. stay away". Because it's not that I can't feel , but its because I feel a lot.. that's why I need to stay away.

I'm not a cynic nor a misanthropist..I believe in hope , love and all the beautiful things that go along with it. But I'm not an idealist. I'm being realistic.

Some of the things that REALITY has taught (and saved) me.

Part of reality  that we have to deal with and ACCEPT is that things/people are bound to hurt you and get hurt by you.. It's the rule of life and rule of the universe. 
Ideally , when one gets hurt, the other says sorry and makes up for the pain
Really , it does not happen all the time. It may be less , or worse at times. But you can't expect it to be that way all the time.

Expectations are meant to be broken.. Yes, so does promises, vases and other glasses thrown at each other. Expectations are there for a purpose.. Maybe for job interviews, scope of work, classes and others.
But it shouldn't be used on people. 
When expectations are not met.. what do you call that?! de-expectation?! hahaha
I don't know myself.
Or maybe there isn't really an opposite of expectations because  Webster haven't accepted that expectations may have an opposite..

Finally ACCEPTANCE, 
Mental note to self (again)Acceptance is the key to understanding. Again, it took me years and many tears to finally grasp the meaning of this.
Accept the things you can change and the things you can't change. It's easy to say "it's ok" when things go wrong or people hurt you. But the acceptance part is not.
When you get hurt you cry..When someone breaks your heart you  cry and ask soo many questions (it makes you sound like a questionnaire!) and you wish for the pain to go away.
DON'T. Because it will pro-long the pain ( there is a psychological explanation to this which I dont know , i didnt listen way back in college..but I know there is..hahaha.. ) 
Accept the pain.. and that what was before is not what is now..(yes, that he is not with you anymore) . I don't really care how you do it.. Cry from last week to next week..drink with your pants off.. go sleep with someone else who's not there.. as long as in the end..ACCEPT it.. 
Once you start accepting, then you start understanding..


Stoopp!! Ok, i don;t want sound like a psychologist or a whatever-gist.. What i want to say really is.. I'm not heartless.I have a lof of it.. It;s just that I got only 1 heart (literally and not literally) and i have to take care of it..

Parents tell their children... "stay away from fire" "stay away from dangerous places" "stay away from sharp objects" " don't talk to strangers"

When children turn 22 ..Parents don't tell their children that.. 
Of course, dammit! you're 22 you better take care of yourself..
So , I did and I do.. So I tell myself: 


"Stay away from things that will me feel.. and make me remember and will hit me " 

... mortality

ssscccccccccrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeccchhhhhhhhhhhh........

BAAAMMMM!!!!

Not a scene from a movie. 

Rewind back to Thursday last week. I was in a car crash.

I thought it only happens in the movies and those others I see on the streets.

It happened to me.

Minus the drama.

"It all happened so fast " so they say..

"The car was too fast , yet in my mind it was in slow motion" so I say..

I was in the front seat.. With angels beside me.. (i guess)

The impact was a bit strong , I was thinking about not bumping my head.

I didn't ( thanks for angels) . All I had were the bruises on my knees and the memory of that incident.

Good thing all of us were safe. ( I wasn't the one driving).

With that slight brush with mortality. It made me think more about what I've been doing with my life.

I don't like to feel like I'm some sort of character in a movie or in a book, but I guess incidents like this are designed to make you pause.. and stop.. and think..and evaluate your life and think harder..

Well, I did that. Minus the drama (again!) 

I realized a lot ... A lot to write...but it boils down to.. 

CHOICES. LESSONS. DECISONS

 Those words define themselves. It's how you use it in your life that gives meaning to it.

I had my realization. Now, I leave that to you (ahem! say I have readers) to ponder and reflect. 

Cliche as it is but I agree with "live life to the fullest" . I claim that I am doing that in my life now.. the way I want it. In my own pace and in my own time.. But after that I must admit that I have to take it to Level 2 --live life to the fullestest.. hahahhahahahahaha

So....... on that note.. I say .. Hello level 2.

...between the dark and the daylight..

night time hasn't ended
morning hasn't begun

time is suspended..
thoughts are all around..

what's  there to think..?
what's left to do?

looking at the distance as the the lights continue to blink..
looking for something different .something new..

the thoughts continue to linger..
 as the wind continues to blow..

i know what thoughts i want to wonder..
I just can't let myself think it  so...

... one shot.. many stories

      sceneries. . the outdoors. this sight is just breathtaking.. the quiet lake against the setting sun.                                        

              candid shots.. I like to take pictures of "unguarded" moments. 

          a wall in one of the schools..

            this is my version of >>  the vertical horizon

           there's so much that this picture tells.. what does this look like to you?

                                     

                                                   spirituality

                       of floors walked on by many

                                                           an angle from above the mountains

                         spiriruality in action..

                                      fires and burning candles..

...a reflection from Transformers 3

Last Saturday , inspite of classes and heavy rain and a long long line of movie goers . We--Margaret, Nancy and me-- managed to get some seats and watch Transformers 3.

We went through hell and back-- ohhh ok... I'm exaggerating..! hahaha
Nancy went through traffic and bad drivers on the way.
Margaret..went through .. traffic and sleepiness ( i think!) just to watch the movie.
I went through a narrow escape(weew!) from the watch of our teacher (yes! i cut classes) just to see the movie.

So then?! Am I going to do a review on the movie..?!

hmm.. I want to.. but then nah! you'd have your own opinion of the movie.
Besides I am not in the right position to say something about it. I can't compare to any other movie since I barely watch movies.. So much more go to the cinemas to watch a movie.
On an average, I go to the cinema , 3 times in a year.  hahahahhahaha..!

It's not really the movie that pushed me to go..But it's more of the company.
Yeah.. I'm mushy when it comes to friends and friendship.
Especially  now that I've been skipping friends' appointments due to classes.

So when Marge and Nancy invited me to watch Transformers.. I said yes. But more than that, I actually showed up! hahahahahha
While I was sitting inside, with all the sounds and the scene of the Autobots and Deceptagons fighting each other I  zoned out  and was thinking that I've been missing out a lot since I havent seen my friends lately.

I don't choose the people I meet. I don't discriminate . I don't base it on whatever. 

But, I admit I am choosy when it comes to who to be close with. But after meeting so many people, I have to be realistic I can't be close with all of them .Keep them  and become friends with them.
There are some people that really just make my circle.

Well, Margaret and Nancy are two of my "technical" friends. Technical because they are so braniac! hahaha

I revel on the fact that I can still talk to them about people.. feelings and movies! hahaha
I can bug them and disturb them and just laugh.. hahaha
Because at other occassions, they will be talking about CISCO servers, LINUX, DNS
figures and  this and that.. and I get lost. ! hahaha
when they start talking their language , i become an alienn!!!

hahahahahahhaa..

Well, thank Heavens for friends!
They are the sane ones when we are insane and we become the heroes when they lose their ways ( so to speak)

I have many groups of friends. Each group from different stages in my life. I might not be able to keep in touch with them , But I surely remember them and hold them dear in my heart.

*sigh* Friends give you a warm and fuzzy feeling when you think about them..right?!

I remember this status message (thanks Trisha for your status message )
   Friends are the family we choose for ourselves..
           so right!
                                                I'm proud and I'm glad to say... I've chosen well. 

          so thankful!

                                             That my friends are good persons who helped me become what I am now. 

Take  the time now to be with your friends . If not a text or an email or a buzz will be ok to thank them. It  will always be worth it.

I just did. I spent a good afternoon with  my friends and it's very well worth it.

 

...an affair

i have an affair.

I'm into photography.

Not picture taking, but photography.
Which means I don't like a picture of me but a picture of other things and others.

Now that I think about it, I realize that ever since before I have an "eye" .  When I was growing up, I look at things in a different view or angle.
I always thought that I was weird because if others see it as a bike. I see it as a wheel and the rider. Something like that.
But then again , way back then, I didn't know that  there is more to photography than posing and people smiling.

It was years ago , when I had enough money to buy my first DSLR, that I allowed myself to get into photography.
I had a thinking before that photography, as a hobby, is expensive.
Oh, those big cameras..lenses.. expensive events.. darn! i can't waste money.! hahahaha

Due to my human nature (yeah blame it on human nature) of vanity and ego, years ago  I bought my first DSLR.
I called him Dee (for D-slr)
It was nice.. cool! and really really interesting. I studied photography. it's concepts ,  looked at shots and went out of the field shooting.
Man! It was tiresome.. I thought hobbies are supposed to be not tiresome! hahahaha

And then, i learned my first lesson in photography.
It's not how expensive your camera is.

Surprisingly, I was not satisfied as I imagined I'd be. I  was heartbroken.
I sold my DLSR. broke up with photography for about 2 years.
But as true loves, I cant get it out of my mind..

So there  I was in search for a perfect camera.. and lo! it found it's way to me.
I got a bridge camera, and it's still with me now . I call him Lumi (for Lumix)

We've been happy together since then. hahahhaa..

I love taking shots. Not so much on smiling faces and poses. But i'm more of candid shots. Those unguarded moments and real stories.
Life stories. Interesting angles. 
I believe in that tag line "capture lifes moments"

Odd thing is , I don't like to edit my shots.. I dont even like to post it. I feel that it's my own personal thing.
But maybe, this is a lesson I have yet to learn in photography. posting your shots! hahahaha

i loooovveee photography! ( i said it again! told you, true loves! hahahahha)

When i have the camera on my hands.. I click away! click away! click away! hahaha
If its a picture of me and my friends.. I take the pictures and they upload it.

Wait.. I'm not totally selfish about my shots. I don't mind people's comments. I show it to them if they ask for it or if I want to tell a story.
Since this is my blog.. I'll indulge in showing some shots.. hahahhaa..

Thanks for taking a look at it! :) 

... back to school is COOL!

prelogue:
on day 3 of blogging..


Back to school is COOL!

 
Nope.. not a tag line of a department store. This is my personal punch line when I mean going back to something big.
I know it sounds funny when blurted out of the blue.. kaya nga punch line eh! hahahaha

Oh wells.. seriously now, I believe in this line. ( no lols!) I do.
I am a believer of education .. all forms. I'm not into courses or degrees. It's the learning part of education that I am a fan of. But ironically, when I was studying I wasn't really that serious.. Not also the bulakbol type.. Just not the nerdy type.
Way back college , I used to wonder HOW other students get to be smart.. others are very smart.. while on the other side of the hall.. I used to question what happened to the other students who are so laid back.. cool.. and stuck on just 1 year level (peace y'all! ). In the midst of the classrom chaos..there I was somewhere in the middle quietly sitting beside my bf( oh yes, once upon a college time, i had a guy.. and a heart ..hahaha!) watching others.
Cut the reminiscing part---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to the line:

I seriously believe it that i followed it.
YES. I went back to school. Unknown to many and surprisingly approved by my mom( who was against it due to me not having enough rest ) and my dad (who was against it due to my first course was engineering and now.. this)

Love you Ma.. and Pa( both are very supportive of me now..amazing!  hay..parents! hahaha)

I was choosing between..culinary arts.. spanish.. SPED and early chilhood.
I took up Early Childhood Education.

1st 2 days.. I was shocked and I thought of papa. Darn! how can parents be so right.!

I am a graduate of Computer Eng. Major in Digital Systems Design. Worked (working still) in an industry that is highly computerized. Logic. Quick thinking. Practical learning and all those. In a position where I am  the one dictating , deciding and in front. With grown up mature people who have fully developed minds and bodies.

Now here I am , student again , taking up Education. Where it requires memorization, writing (on paper!) , lots and lots of it. Not to mention drawing, doing arts and crafts ( as in!) and Early Childhood at that.. children who are and under 5 years old.

I was shocked. I didn't know that I was required to write notes. sit down in front of the class for 12 straight hours and answer questions with sentences on a piece of paper..  I also had to memorize the names and places and teachings of those founders...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!

Engineering does not require memorization because your'e supposed to develop and find ways. It only requires the students to master the formulas and the code.. How you solve it..what you do to fix it.. It's up to you.!

Education, you are required to be a master of all subjects..Literally, down to the names and dates.. (maybe down to the footnotes of the book ! hahaha.. joke! ) There is a way on how to write and there are steps on how to draw..for kids..!
There I was ,first 2 days (Sat and Sun) for 12 hours in 1 room. Following the teacher. Major headaches for 2 days.
Completely lost.
The teacher asked us to answer this question
" What is the difference of an instructor and a teacher?"
I had a 2 sentence answer , some words where from the dictionary itself. ( c'mon! why are dictionaries made in the first place?!) That I was so proud of answering .

While my other classmates ( 95% of the class were teachers by profession , teaching in public schools) had a half page yellow pad answer.

BAM!

I got hit. I felt so dumb! hahahahhahaha... I should've listened to dad.. hahahaa
I felt dumb.. out of place.. and a brat! The teacher looked at me with eyes screaming .. is that all you're going to write on your paper?! hahahahaha

That Sunday night , I contemplated (darn! this word) whether or not i'll be a good daughter or the usual hard headed one.  hahahhahaha

The hard headed one won. Next weekend , I went back to school.
My mom prepared breakfast for me and baon! (lunch) and Sunday, dad drove me to school.. (Naks! sweet! uhhmmm.. more of 2nd time around..Dad never drove me to school when I was studying before.hahaha)

I was confused.

I understood it.. Misunderstood it. I felt the need to talk...voice out ..say something.. but my mouth remained shut.
I agreed..and disagreed at the same time (in my mind) and I met new friends..I liked some..disliked 3.. hahahaha

I enjoyed art classes.  I got stressed.. I listened.. I slept.
I don't know how to place it.. feel about it.

That night, I slept with clothes on .. huhuhu.. I was so tired and emotional. I went out fast when I hit the bed.
haayyss..

3rd weekend I went back to school. With my art materials and books and a very heavy bag.

I loved it and I love it until now.

I started to move. My mind opened. And it got me thinking again.
It challenged my social skills again. It humbled me again. I laughed.. a real laugh again!
After a very long time..I felt I belong.
I knew deep in my heart that I have a thing for teaching. But this time, i'll make it official. I want to teach and I love teaching.

In my current line of work..I teach, grown ups. professionals.. guide them.
But deep inside I know I like kids.. It's only now that I realize I  love teaching kids..

Children (don't call them kids dw.. di cla goats) are naturally smart and innocent at the same time brutally honest! hahaha The best part is they naturally stir those feelings in you that you guard so strongly. They are cute little angels and devils and humans all rolled into one  tiny being... cute enough to hold them and hug them... cuuttee!! :)

haaayy.. see! children have an effect on me..
Well, I'm not saying that its all nice stories.. My story will meet its test sometime in the future. But I told myself that I will face it and not leave it. This is a path I chose on my own. Good or bad, i will see us through!
hahaha! (Yes, i am taken by this something.. )

I'm on my 2nd month now and inspite of my normal busy life going on on weekdays i look forward to my school weekend-days. I am always excited to attend my Saturday morning 7 am class and eagerly bring my big bag of art materials on an early Sunday morning.. hahaha!

If this is love.. well, then, I am with what I'm doing now.
I can see teaching.. with me in it.. long term future plans.

I asked myself many times if this is some sort of stressed feeling that makes me want to do this. Or just maybe adrenaline rush/drive that makes me want to go there. But i'm surprised that my answer is always no. I really want to do this.


Now, I can really say that I am feeling again..living.. and dreaming again..about me doing something in the future.. 

           very near future..

     

... a Warning

I can't help but blog about this ..

An excerpt from my daily conversations with marge:

me:  oiieee...
in fairness marge ha..
he remembers you..
 Sent at 1:59 AM on Friday
 bcn.mcuer:  hahaha
bitaw bitaw
ingon sa ihatequotes na giretweet nya:
You should be lucky if you know someone loves you. Because some people don't even know someone had crush on them.
============

I soo agree to this!!
This is one of those things that I strongly agree on... so strong that I find a need to explain why..

Why?

Because feelings should be shared.. It should be let out.. Good and bad feelings..
So so much more good feelings..

I think it's in  every couple's "guide-list-to-a-perfect-relationship"  to always talk about feelings.
Even the talk about the bad feelings / arguments to fix the issues.

Now, this shouldn't  exempt those who are single (ehem.. to which me and marge belong!) Feelings shouldn't be kept too long inside.. Especially when  it's good to share.

Feeling/s is/are not some sort of "points" on a credit card or any other swipe card wherein the more you keep it, the more points you earn.!

No.

Real feelings are not like that.. It should be shared .. To whom it may concern.
I mean take this scenario:
This  one guy inside the room who feels so bad about himself..so many bad things are happening all at the same time in his life and he is feeling very alone..sad and to the point of depression.

On the other side of the room is this girl..who secretly likes this sad guy.But because of so many reasons (one of which is the dictate of social norms and mores) she can't bring herself  to ask the guy how he is and even more to say that she likes him.

Both of them know each other.


WHAT IF:

She talks to the guy.. and out of somewhere in the conversation the girl will mention that she likes him.
I bet my whole salary that no matter how sad or cynic or whatever the guy is, it will ignite a positive feeling about himself.
Wow.. I never knew that.. Somebody likes me..

I LIKE YOU..

is not the same as "I LOVE YOU".. (LOLS!! )

Oh come on! hahahahahhahahahaha.. That is where it gets WRONG..

My 2-simple steps  on this: ( This doesn't require any BS to understand. ( I'm talking about Bachelor's Degree))

1. When you tell someone "I like you. " Don't expect an " I like you too" answer. It's not a question darling. It's a statement and it does not require any answer.

2. When someone tells you " I like you. " Don't expand your head. YOu are not required to say " I like you too", just for the sake of giving an answer. A simple " Thank you" is enough.

There you go.! Those are the 2  things that my simple mind can understand..

an excerpt (again! ) from the conversation:

me:  o see!!! hahahhaa
i super like  that!!
so true!! dapat u tell people u like them ..not keep it.. they can use it! hahaha
 bcn.mcuer:  hahaha
use it as what?
that's dangerous
hahaha

===========


I agree with marge on the "dangerous" part. It becomes that when the 2 sides don't know how to give it and take it.
Well.. if you tell someone that you like him/her and he/she starts acting all god..then you'd know then that he has that attitude and its a sign that you are heading at the wrong direction.. switch gears.. fast!

If you can't say that line to someone without expecting an " i like you too" answer..Well, the danger sign is pasted on your face... that's the fastest ride to heartbreak hotel..


hahahahahahahahahahaha!! oh well..! that's just me and my strong need to explain my side on this.
hey! i'm not promoting infidelity.. flirtatiousity (whatever you call it) or telling you to be a player, playing hearts..
all i'm saying is one needs to know ..EVERYONE needs to have that good feeling of knowing that someone loves/likes/cares for him/her.

I am a witness to that.. I like a lot of people a lot of times.. I'd like to let them know that I like them.
But I'm not a player.. nor do i have a relationship . I'm single and happy and I don't have issues saying that.
And by far, I've had good experiences with those people who I told that I like them.

Well.. just a thought.. maybe  this line should have a WARNING tag  attached to it.


                           I LIKE YOU

           WARNING:
                   This line is dangerous if given with expectations or if taken in with thoughts of grandeur.
                   If symptoms persist consult your psychologist..

..that word which is hate

 I don't hate anybody....


1
2
3

(alter ego: oh really?! you don't ) hahahahahha!! )

(ego: duh!?! i really don't..! but there was this one time..... )

ME:
uhhhhhmmm... fine..! i take that back.. i do hate some..
I'm protected with the "humanity clause"
which goes:

"I am human.. of flesh and blood.. a man. I'm only human.. born to make mistakes"

(alter ego: hey! that's a line of a song! )

(ego: i know! so?! it's a clause for me! )

ME:
I call it humanity clause.. and yes, it's a line from a song.. and it's easy to remember.. so be it!
hahahahahhahahhahahhahaha

Between my alter ego and my ego.. ME stays in between..
or i think.. i'm really making them fight ! hahahahaha..


We'll going back to what I was saying.. I don't hate people.. I do.. but after sometime I don't remember who..

Now, I think that works.. I can't be un-human and not feel hatred.. I feel it..I hate some once in a while...
FOr some reasons at that certain time.
But as all other things in the past that passes.. that hate eventually fades away...

Feelings like those shouldn't stay for a long time. It's like those dirt at home that accumulates over time but eventually you get to do house cleaning so it gets cleaned..

Let's go back to now.. Is there someone I hate?
Well..

(alter ego: there is.. there is.. )

(ego: why? )

ME: yes. there is.. for some reasons that I can remember til now..
maybe in sept. i'll forget this.. hahahahahaha...



(alter ego: finally you admitted..)
(ego: amen to that.)

.. an ode to the past

Right, I don't blog often.. owkay..i take that back.. i blog rarely.. hahaha..
oh well.. the usual thing, busy..no time.. caught up in the daily routine..finding reasons not to blog..and on top of all that.. lazy!
hahahaa! I confess.. i'm honest.. but i'm lazy when it comes to blogging..


I read back on the my previous blogs and I was amused.. really amused! hahaha

wewww!i guess i had a "difficult" time sometime back then.. the drama and all..
but , again, that's all in the past.
I'm happy to say that i've moved on and moved up.!
At least those "bad" times didn't go unrewarded.
As bad as it was, it's as good as it is now.

That's why now is called "Present" because it's full of surprises..

So that's where I am now.. PRESENT times..

and i owe this to my past..

                                                                          ... an ode to the Past